Give it up…Your Expectations, That is!

Where they come from

If you have been browsing this site, you may have realized that I consider myself (what I like to call), a sensi-seeker. For more information on what this is, please see this post. Being this type of person, I have come to the conclusion that being kind-hearted usually follows close behind, as we have a great ability to see “the best” in others.

We come from a level of understanding, and often give someone the benefit of the doubt.   We say things like, “maybe they just had a rough day.”  We assume whatever negativity that was expressed was not their true self, but rather just a temporary glitch. We can pick up on their true heart’s desire and see they are not much different than ourselves.

However, there is a great setback in this, for yourself and others. Not the “being kind” part, although this can be a danger too since we can have the tendency to be walked all over. However, I will save that topic for another day. The setback I am speaking of is having too high of expectations. This can lead to let-downs and a host of other problems.

First, let’s talk about WHY this is the case in the first place. Well, let me ask you a question, “Do you have high standards for yourself?” I’m going to safely guess that your answer was a resounding “YES!”

Seeing the potential in ourselves and others can be a great strength to have. However, this can easily morph into expecting this potential to be realized and expressed. When more often than not, because we are still mere humans, this is not the case. Especially for those of us who have not yet “met” their highest self and are completely running their lives through their ego. How can we expect these people to express “perfection”? It is unfair to do so. People are simply doing the best they can at their level of consciousness, including you.

Idealism: Friend or Foe?

A few years ago I took a personality quiz and it told me idealism was one of my main character traits. I suppose you could probably already tell this by this site I created…(ha-ha). One of the main points that stuck with me from the quiz, is that it said this idealism could create high expectations of people, which could translate into others feeling bad around me since they didn’t meet my high and unrealistic expectations.

Honestly, when I read this it made me really sad and I wanted to call old friends and apologize. I never wanted to hurt anyone but looking at my past and current relationships I realized it was one of the main causes of discord. Although I have worked on this, I have fallen into this trap again many times.

Also, I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this scenario. For much of my life, I was afraid of conflict and wanted to please/make others happy. Therefore, I created a persona that showed others that I was always nice, cooperative and agreeable.

If you have done something similar, you will know firsthand the detrimental side effect I am about to discuss. I am not perfect, no one is! So, needless to say, I finally showed my flaws, and sometimes in extreme ways, because I had pushed my real feelings down for so long, in the attempt to be a perfectly “good” person.

These outbursts quickly pushed people away because I made them believe I was “better” than that. I made them believe I never got angry, or that I am always agreeable. I even gave the impression that I will support them in any decision, even it means sacrificing my integrity. 

Unfortunately, (or fortunately) through my healing journey, I discovered creating this persona and trying to be perfect was NOT doing anyone any good. I was actually being dishonest with myself and others. I set myself up for failure in relationships because I created such high expectations. Therefore, when I did make an even small mistake that other people make all the time, it appeared to them that I had “lost” it, or I was all of a sudden a bad person.

The creation of this persona and the destruction of it has been the cause of some great pain. My relationships began to fall apart and even became non-existent. Even today, I am very careful about how I go about setting the tone for new relationships. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out how to mend the existing ones.

My experience with people who had such high expectations of me—then quickly turned their back on me, when I turned out to not be what they thought—has hurt me very deeply. However, I realize, I brought it upon myself, for the most part. Also, it made me realize to not do the same to others. And instead, I am learning how to come from a place of acceptance and love, instead of righteous expectation disguised as “helping” others be their best self. Because really, the best place to start in helping others is coming from a place of unconditional acceptance.

How to Move from Expecting to Love

Do you want the best for yourself? Of course! Do you want the best for others? Of course! OK, you may challenge me on the 2^nd answer when it comes to some people, but let’s look at the facts:

1. When others are happy, they treat others around them better.
2. When people have what they need and want, they are much more pleasant to be around.
3. When people are living their dreams lives, they are a lot more generous (because they have more than what they need and therefore have more to give, from energy to time, or money).

Basically, wanting the best for others is actually again saying, you want the best for yourself. And saying you want the best for yourself, also means you want the best for others; because in the end, you will be giving them your best self, which of course is giving them the best!

So now that you know, (or realized you already knew), that others happiness determines your own and vice versa, we can begin the steps that will help you move from expecting too much from others to a place of love.

1. Encourage NOT Push: We think that expecting the best from others will bring out their best. That is why we push our friends, partners, and children to win. We see, (more often than they can) their greatest potential and talents, so we often wonder, “WHY…are they (not)…doing such and such. They are such a great (blank) OR… they are so smart, talented, etc.” Part of the reason is because of the unspoken (or spoken) pressure they are under. They don’t want to disappoint you or anyone else! Instead of pushing them to win and reach for the “best,” encourage them to be fully themselves and express that in a way that they can get on board with.
2. Accept whatever IS: Even though you and they want to get from point A to point B, but they are not quite there yet, and maybe they are not moving to point B as fast as you would like, telling them things like “Don’t you have to start training for….? Have you done (blank) yet?” is basically saying to them that they are not living up to your expectations. Instead, don’t say anything, especially if you know they are smart and capable enough to get from point A to point B, or at least they have the resources available to them. After all, it is THEIR goal and life—not yours, right? Or, if you do say something, focus on what IS. For example, “I see you went for a run yesterday. Was that for your marathon training? You are really inspiring, I think I might try and do the same. Can I come with you next time?” And maybe they haven’t done anything towards their goal they mentioned. Oh well! Again, it is their life and the consequences will be on them—so why worry or make it about what you want for them?
3. Love them anyway: Especially when it comes to our kids, we often make them think our love is dependent on their “success.” Even though we know in our hearts, however, their life ends up, we will love them anyway! Be sure to show and even voice this to them and other people in your life. When they have done nothing to “please” you or even, during or after they didn’t show their best self, say “I love you.” Or, show them by listening, giving them an unexpected token of appreciation (i.e. randomly bring their favourite tub of ice cream home because you know they are having a rough day). Don’t punish them for being human. Instead, love them anyway, and it will encourage them to bring out their best self, you know is there!

A Word of Caution

OK, so these steps might make you anxious, correct? How come? Because you may feel that if you don’t hold on to your ideals, that everything will fall apart and your kids or other loved ones will end up to be homeless addicts. And guess what, if they do, it actually has NOTHING to do with you. Especially, if you are coming from a place of detached, unconditional love.

One major ingredient in this whole scenario that I have not mentioned yet AND is just as important, is one of boundaries! I cannot stress how important clear, healthy boundaries are. This will make the difference between co-dependent love and unconditional love, between being kind and true compassion. And finally, between people pleasing and integrity of oneself (while respecting another’s).

Without boundaries, the steps mentioned above can and will fall apart. This is because you will fall into the other trap sensis experience when trying to be kind—being a doormat

You cannot realize your best self and reach your highest potential when you are living life for others. Respecting yourself and your boundaries are key in loving others fully because you are loving yourself fully. You are giving your greatest service to others when you mix ALL of these ingredients. AND guess what? You are living with true joy and fulfillment!!

A BONUS Side Effect of Letting go of Expectations

When you fully allow to let go of expectations and instead accept what is and love yourself and others fully, something truly amazing happens. YOU ARE FREE!!!!!!!!!

Your energy is lighter than ever because you are not wasting time; you are not waiting for others to get it “right,” or worrying about doing everything perfectly. Your mind is clear, and your energy is not drained by attachments to others’ lives and how they will turn out. Also, you let go of attachments to your own outcomes. You will simply do the best you can in the moment, and know in the end you will learn what you need to learn and move on.

For example, if I let myself go into a place of “OMG I have to write this perfectly and have to market it the proper way, or I won’t help anyone or get what I need from this blog, and my dreams will be ruined.” Then guess what? My worries will become my reality—eek! Don’t want that to happen. So, instead, I am learning to just go with the flow, write what inspires me and hope it will inspire others too. Also, I have a deep knowing that even if NO ONE reads this or is inspired by it, I LOVED every minute of creating it. Therefore, it is worth it to me because I am being true to myself and doing what I feel is important right now.

As far as the promoting and business side of it, when I come to those tasks as well, I will do them with integrity and to the best of my knowledge and let it go. If I try to be like someone else and stress myself out about what every person thinks, I will have no energy to live my life in a happy and peaceful way; so really what will be the point then?

I encourage, NOT expect you to get quiet, write down your boundaries, figure out what is important to you and what you need and want, find out who you really are (flaws and all). Above all,  ACCEPT yourself anyway and live your life without regrets that would impact your true happiness.

Did you figure out who you are expecting too much from? Is it yourself? Did you even know this was happening? Comment below and let me know your process and what expectations you are struggling with! I would love to hear from you 

Psst…want to know how to get to a place of acceptance? I have the perfect tool for you! Be sure to check out my free guide: The Ultimate Key to Emotional Freedom.